All the ways the world could end soon (that have nothing to do with Donald Trump)

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

The world of politics is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places.

This past week definitely provided us a few examples of that: From shouting matches in the White House to new global trade wars and denied humanitarian aid in actual war zones, you might be excused for thinking the end is near.

Is this really it, then? One President Donald Trump’s toddler tantrum, and we’re toast? That sounds dramatic.

Declassified decided to do something helpful for once and ran an investigation to prove to you, dear reader, that no, this isn’t it, and whatever happened this week won’t cause the end of life on Earth.

What follows is a list of the top four things you are not considering that could kill us all in the near future. And they’ve got nothing to do with Donny the Menace (for the most part). You’re very welcome.

The truth is out there

But people investigating it aren’t. Secret FBI groups dedicated to studying UFO sightings might get sacked soon, which means that no one will warn us when little green men will target our planet and invade. E.T. phone home. And tell them not to come.

Everything is still on fire

This might come as a shock to you — it did to yours truly — but it sounds like climate change is real. Like, for real, real! So we might all die of extreme heat (or extreme cold; science is famously scarce on details on this one) before Russian President Vladimir Putin takes over Europe. What a relief.

Terminators

AI technology is obviously out to get us. ChatGPT is already getting people to fall in love with it, so it won’t be long before we start letting bots do all the jobs for us, including living. Isn’t that the true spirit of innovation after all?

Diximus vobis

That’s what the Catholic Church will say (probably). A 12^th-century prophecy written by an Irish monk, Saint Malachy, lists 109 popes, specifying that the 109^th would be the last. After him, the apocalypse would begin. But who might Pope number 109 be? You guessed it: it’s Francis. Who, at the time of writing, is in a hospital bed, struggling to breathe. You do the math.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“What do you mean the royal invite makes him a better suck-up than me, Donny?”

Can you do better? Email us at gpoloni@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.

Last week we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“Now, where are the medical researchers?”
by Vasco Branco